[Verilian/Sira's Scrapbook] The Truth.. as I See It

by **Verilian** on December 29th, 2011, 11:25 pm

So.. again, I'm writing because I love to write, it helps me think, and sometimes I write theses scraps and never post them, just delete them. This one is probably going to make it through, otherwise I probably wouldn't have bothered to write this little part. So... What's all this about? It may change to an entirely different point by the end, but for starters its about change, self evolution, resistance and acceptance of change, sex, love, philosophy and an insight into my own beliefs put into words for all to see but really to help me understand it myself, because isn't that what scraps/blogs/anything like this about? We write our scraps so that others will comment and hopefully give us better insight, or make us feel better, or tell us we are right or wrong, or any other number of reasons all so that others can help us. Because really, if we wanted it to be private we wouldn't put it in a public place. Why am I talking about this anyway? Got side tracked... Now, on to my point.

I used to be different. Very different. Core Ron was still there, the witty guy who makes sarcastic remarks, loves to write, day dreams for hours on end about fantasy and reality and how he wishes the world was. But I have changed, a lot, over the years. And I am still young and still have a long way to go. ...I hate talking about myself because I sound arrogant, self absorbed, and all those negative type things. ..but I am arrogant, in a way. I'll be honest, I think I am better than most people. My way is right and your way is probably wrong. And that's just the way it is with everybody, I think. We all have our beliefs that work for us, but the key is remembering that it works for us, not necessarily everyone else. What works for me might not work for you. You suck, I am better, because I am me and you are just some silly little person who just doesn't get it. But you rock. What do I know? I don't know how awesome you are, because I am not you and can't possibly know what its like. So basically.. its okay to sound arrogant, because be honest, do you really not prefer your way to mine? Or Jen's? Or that guy across the street? If you did, then why aren't you more like me? You like you better, I like me better, and that's that. So... I'm going to sound arrogant at some points in this post, so deal with it.

(Yes, some people hate themselves, but that's a whole different story. I used to hate myself. Now I don't.)

Anyway.. where was I. Change. I have changed a lot. I was super shy, now I am just a little shy but am brave enough to overcome it when need be. I never spoke my mind. Now look at me. I used to bottle up my anger. Now I have a special way of processing anger that works best for me. I used to hate me. Now I love me.

So, there have been a couple points in my life when I did change. I'm gonna go back to elementary for a bit. When I think about it now, I think that then I was most similar to how I am now. I wasn't shy at all, wasn't afraid to tell a girl I had a crush on her (though the implications behind such crushes were much different than if an adult were to do that, so maybe that doesn't count), I was popular, got straight A's, could have even skipped ahead a couple grades but I refused, and I was already writing and winning little creative writing awards and stuff. If I could take who I was as a child and transform him into an adult, and skip all the shit that happened in between, I would probably be a widely known, wealthy, accomplished writer with lots of friends and an awesome life. My dream life. Didn't happen.

So, we come to change one, and the downward spiral to self loathing. I stopped caring about school. I like to think it was to smart, and had just gotten bored, but I am not a genius or anything and at that age I was still learning new things. I'm not sure exactly what happened, because I have always loved to learn. I haven't figured out the real reason for it, but I guess that is an epiphany for another day. This started somewhere in the 5th - 6th grade range, when I stopped doing homework and studying for tests, dropped from distinguished honoroll to B's and C's and the occassional F. I was still smart, I aced most of my tests, but all effort stopped. I did my classwork, but only because teachers were watching, but if I couldn't finish my homework before I left school it usually didn't get done. Not because I could understand it, which is the problem for some, or was interested in girls or sports or drugs like others, but because I didn't care. I did enough to pass, and that was it. It was a rare thing for teacher to inspire me, but when they did I loved it.

Now, this attitude persisted all through junior high and high school, but it was only the first step to self loathing. Grades 6-8 I was still fairly popular, had friends, and was generally happy. But in 8th grade my best friend betrayed me, the details of which I believe I discussed in a post a while back. If not, maybe I'll post the story later, but in short it involved drugs, last chances, and a knife to my throat. The knife to my throat was the next point of change. Down I went, and I began to hate myself. Your best friend of 9 years tries to mug you, is willing to injure and possibly kill you for drugs, and it messes with your head. On the plus side that is probably why I never turned to drugs or joined one of the local gangs myself. Somewhere in there I knew that I didn't want to end up like him.

I'll admit, I was tempted to end my life. It was that bad, though I never acted on it. Highschool, 9th grade, was miserable for me. The betrayal thing aside, they had just changed the zoning and all my friends since 1st grade ended up going to one school while I went to the other. I had nobody to help me back to my feet. It's all kinda hazy... Band was fun, but no friends. A girl liked me, but I didn't like her. There were little bits of good, and I kept up the act and even believed I was happy from time to time. But we delude ourselves, and looking back I know I was not happy. I was losing my soul.

Then in 11th grade I met a boy, tommy, and we became friends. He had other friends, whom I befriended. Old Ron started to resurface. But I was still.. damaged. I was happy, but I was not happy. Those were strange times. Questioned my sexuality, considered a sex change, other weird things that were mostly brought on by my manipulative best friend, Tommy. I started writing again, my first online roleplaying experience, but there were weird things with that too. Things that at first had Kelsey not wanting me to have any involvement with Miz because she thought it would be the same. But that's another story.

The friendship with Tommy was weird... He controlled me, made me think things I would never have thought. At the time I didn't mind, afterward I resented it, and now I look back and realize that some of those things are now a part of my philosophy. So anyway, let's move on. Kelsey came into the picture. Love happen. And I've already posted that story before, so feel free to go back a couple pages a read it if you want, its pretty cool. The point is, at some point which I have yet to actually define, another change occurred. The one that led to who I am now, the one that I believe led to the happiness and contentness I now feel in my life, even when times are down.

Those have been my past changes. Now we come to today, to the past few weeks, really. Today I am sad because our roommate, our best friend, is leaving soon. But there is something else going on with me. I feel another change coming on. Sure, there's gonna be the obvious adapting to not having a friend and finding a new place to stay. I can deal with that. I've got an outlook change on the way. Another step along my own personal cycle of evolution. I can feel it, have felt it for a while, maybe even for months. I'm only just starting to understand. It has to do with Kimmie, and something that happened over Christmas.

So we come to sex. The fun part. Back when Kelsey and I first started dating and having sex and stuff, she presented me with the opportunity to have a threesome with one of her (girl) friends and I turned it down. Kelsey was my first real girlfriend, the first and only girl I have ever had sex with and I wasn't ready. I wasn't sexually confident, didn't think I was attractive, and Kelsey had more experience than me and maybe I was afraid she'd get bored with me or something if things went crazy like that. So I turned it down, and she just kinda assumed that I would never want to.

Well, at some point in the past couple years I decided I was ready. Hell, I'll even let it be with another guy if that situation ever arose, which it hasn't. But anyway, Kelsey and I switched places and now for whatever her reasons she is the one who isn't ready. She says she might want to one day, but not right now. And that's fine. Not a problem. I don't need it, I'm just willing. And if she is ever willing, it will happen. That's not the issue here, the scrap goes deeper than just sexual experimentation.

So anyway, this Christmas it almost happened. Kelsey, Kimmie, and I ended up in bed. Certain things did occur, but Kelsey stopped it before actual sex happened. Not in an awkward way, more in a, take it slower and we'll try this again later and to a little bit further sort of way. Again, that's fine. I'm okay with that, and so were both girls. We cuddled and fell asleep together, all three of us, and it was nice and warm and cozy and we were happy. We had another cuddle night, but no sexyness, and it was happy. Until Kimmie and I got a little frisky in our sleep and started touching each other, and then we woke up and were like, "oh shit! I think we weren't supposed to do that!" And so kimmie went to her bed and i stayed with Kelsey. In the morning when I told Kelsey what happened, she laughed at me, and I almost fainted. Didn't phase her one bit.

So.. that's the sexy epic Christmas I had. Now for the important part, the conversation in between the two nights. ...which... I wish I could remember everything perfectly and it wasn't all just a wonderful blur of things happening, because it might have even occurred before all this happened. But anyway, there was a conversation about threesomes. Kimmie has been in them before, and she doesn't usually like them because basically the third party is there only for sex. No emotion. She doesn't like that, she wants there to be an emotional connection, love, between all three. The more I think on it, the more I think this convo happened first. Because I was wondering... Why would she have, or try to have I should say, a threesome with us if she wanted it to be more than just sex. Because she did. Or at least that's the only thing that makes sense to me.

Now.. I have always believed it was possible for one person to love more than one person, and I have always admitted it was possible for me to be such a person, though I never really thought it would and never even considered it an option. But there is kimmie. Now, I don't love her. Not the same way I love Kelsey, anyway. I just love her as a friend, and I don't think she is "in love" with either of us either. But its easy to believe in a concept without actually believing in it, like all the lip-service religious people out there who believe in god on principal but deep down are they truly faithful?

So.. in my usual fashion, I had to find a word for this feeling I am feeling. I like to have words for my points of view. Kimmie had mentioned "poly" relationships. Now, the only word I knew related to that was polygamy, which in general brings a sour taste to myself. One man, a bunch of wives, they all hate each other and he fucks them all. No thanks. I'm not interested in that. But research is research and I like to know both sides. I leaned that there are different types of polygamy, that some cultures have a woman with multiple husbands instead of vice versa, I understand what the difference between polygamy and bigamy is now, and I discovered a new word. Polyamory, more than two loving each other, not being married, but loving. Research shifted. Polyamory, love, trust, respect, equality, consent by all included. No religious connection, no legal crap, no nothing. Just love and respect and equality with however many people happen to love and respect each other. I read and read and realized this was the word I was looking for, this was that notion I had accepted long ago was possible.

So.. I guess I'm polyamorous. I just don't happen to love a second person, but I am certain that I could. Maybe I could even love kimmie. But I don't have to, and probably won't since she is leaving and all. No big deal, but now I have a word to explain my new feelings. And I think Kelsey is the same, though we haven't talked since I'm at work. But a long time ago we were talking about possibilities, and I don't remember the specifics, but I am pretty sure Kelsey is the same. See... We all evolve at different rates, but Kelsey is my soulmate and things she believes I have come to believe and vice versa. She may be at a different place than me right now, and that's fine, but eventually we will both reach the same place... Could another person enter our lives and loves us? I think so. Will it happen? Who knows. Could it be kimmie? Maybe... She seems to like us and we like her, so maybe. Or maybe not. But the point is, it could happen, and now I understand why I have been so confused. Over the past few months, maybe even years, I've been having confusing thoughts. I was afraid I was doubting my love for Kelsey, but kept telling myself that didn't make any sense because I didn't and never have. But why the hell was I so confused? It had nothing to do with Kelsey, really, it was just my mind preparing me for the next step of evolution. But that's how it happens for me. A period of confusion and sometimes even sadness and self doubt, and then bam! Epiphany! Took me till today and a few paragraphs into this scrap, but bam, Epiphany. That's just how I work. And the feeling after is wonderful. Kelsey is scary when she evolves. She gets miserable, angry, rails against it and terrifies me, and then she is calm, and she is changed, and she is happy. So maybe she's about to evolve to because she's been all pissy lately, lol. We'll see. But I have a new word to add to my never ending list of whacky beliefs, some of which are:

Polyamory - I believe in love, not bound by race, age, gender, or quantity. I just happen to only love Kelsey right now.
Evolution and god. I believe in evolution, but I also believe in the probability of some sort of divine spark that set it all in motion.
Aliens. Oh, I think they're real. I just don't see any reason they would be any more technologically advanced than we are. Why do they have to be lightyears ahead of us? What if they are just as unevolved as we are?
..and the list goes on and on. Ask me something, I probably have some off the wall belief on it.

by **Gossamer** on December 30th, 2011, 12:33 am

Best blog ever. Ron did you ever think you were also falling into a very male role wherein Kimmie is part of your herd and guys are completely and utterly hard wired to love and protect their own? Its so very natural and beautiful. It doesn't make her and Keasly any less great but I truly know its normal.

by **Verilian** on December 30th, 2011, 1:30 am

Well... Yes, but this is different. I tend to think that way about any of my close friends. I am generally the leader, or assistant to the leader, and I am always the protector of the herd. Luckily modern day threats tend to be less physical and more of me stopping them from ruining their lives, but its the same role. And I have lived with multiple females before. With Kimmie and Kelsey its different. I'm attached to them in ways I wasn't with past roommates. Well, of course I was always attached to Kelsey but never to another. Kimmie leaving really is like losing a member of the herd, I guess.

by **Aidara** on December 31st, 2011, 12:22 pm

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reply to this. You linked it to me during "Family Bowling Night" and with all the flashing lazer lights and the crash of pins all around me I could hardly concentrate on such a deep scrap.

Now, however, I find myself laying in bed for hours. HOURS and still I'm not able to sleep. Ian is also super sick and is snoring like a bulldozer. Though it's very very rare for me to seek out music and just listen to it, I downloaded the new Maroon 5 album to drown out the snores and laid here thinking about the past, things that happened that have no consequence on my adult life but still leave me with a sour taste in my mouth.

Then I began to think about Miz and started to get the regular guilt that I haven't posted in a while and then remembered that I hadn't responded to you yet. Forgive me if my thoughts aren't coherent because I really haven't gotten any sleep at all.

I resent change. I'm like an eighty year old woman that is stuck in a twenty-four year old body. I don't like it when my surroundings change, when the things I know and like are made different; so much so to the point where I have, on multiple occasions, wondered if I was slightly autistic. It's hard for me to do new things because I just... don't adapt well. I think it is one of the reasons why I obsess over one thing and stick to it like glue until I really just can't stand it anymore. I can't game on more than one MMO or Xbox game. I can't play WoW and do Miz at the same time. I can't balance, nor can I switch between very well without extreme effort on my part without my senses rebelling on me.

That's kind of besides the point, because what I am trying to say is that I can feel a measure of your pain. My best friend and I moved into an apartment with each other and it was the best living experience of my life; We got along so well, even though we are completely different people, that it was almost like we were living by ourselves except for the fact that we constantly had each others company. We had all the chores worked out perfectly, we never got in each others way nor did we ever fight. People were telling us prior to moving in that you should never live with your best friend otherwise you won't leave the situation as friends at all. How wrong they were.

I got really, really used to having Betsy there. She really calms me down and balances me out because even though she is very mature and figured out, she is far more laid back than I am. When I'm pacing the room completely wigged out with stress, she would be sitting there almost half asleep for how much she would let it bother her.

I know this is a completely different situation than with you, Kelsey, and Kimmie, but when Betsy told me she was moving out because she wanted to go experience New York City... I almost didn't know what to do with myself. She graduated the University we both went to before I did, and there was no way any college in NYC would have my major (Animal Sciences). I couldn't go. I felt lost for a really long time and I made some pretty stupid decisions. I was depressed (had been since I was 17 for reasons I can tell you in IM if you want to know) before I moved in with Betsy and even more so when I moved out.
I found a guy on WoW and moved to Tennessee to be with him, thinking it was true love. Wrong wrong wrong.

Okay let me pause here. I had intended to address each of your scraps separately but it isn't turning out that way. Unpause.

I am sutably impressed by your ability to evolve. I am unable to do so to such an extent. Being replaced is my biggest fear; replaced by friends, ex's, whatever. It all effects me more than it rationally should. I felt replaced and betrayed by Betsy when when she left. Though it didn't damage my friendship with her at all, it did hurt me for a long time. I know how stupid it sounds. I'm well aware... Though it gives me a new perspective to read what you wrote and see how you react to Kimmie leaving. You clearly adore her, though you're not really sure in what way or to what extent, and because you love her you can let her go and do what is right for her. It hurts you but you're working past it. Pretty much the same situation as Betsy except for the more than friends feeling. You've given me things to think about.

Now for the rest of it.

At first, I scoffed at the thought of my being able to love more than one person at once. I'm too jealous, I told myself, I would never be able to even tolerate Ian allowing anyone else into his heart but me. That's my place and my place only. But then I remembered the first person that I ever thought I was "in love" with. He popped into my mind, and I realized that I still love him, too. Not in the same way, not to the same extent and in a completely different compartment of my heart but... it's still there. And there isn't anything wrong with that. Kelsey is Kelsey. She has her place in your heart and I am glad that you have realized that it is still there, she is still there, even though Kimmie started to get her own spot... I agree with you, that you can love more than one person at a time. No, I don't think I will ever truly be 'polyamrous' or anything like it but... I can't deny that it makes sense, nor would I ever be able to frown upon someone for believing in it. Each to their own, but I'm not using that phrase negatively, as it so commonly is.

Again, not the same as what you're talking about but also once again you've gotten me thinking. I am shocked at how often you leave me pondering what I thought were personality traits firmly stapled down by time. Orignally, I wanted to simply say that I am proud of you and that I am here for you with an ear and a shoulder if you need it, but I got kind of side tracked.

Ron, despite what you have gone through, the dark and light times, you've survived. Seriously. If you had come out ahead as a brilliant writer with a billion and a half dollars and no life experience, would you really be so much happier? The scars make you who you are and have helped shape you into the person we all love. This sounds really cheesy but I'm serious! I would not be who I am now if I didn't go through what I had too. I would still be a nieve, innocent, clueless young woman and even more of a doormat for users than I am now. At least now I can tell when I'm being used, even if I don't always have the balls to do something about it.

The next few days are going to suck, but you'll be able to deal with it. Pain is always worth it... if this hadn't happened, if Kimmie hadn't gotten her new job, would you have realized everything in your past two scraps? Maybe, but it would have taken longer. Better to love from a distance than not know you love at all.

by **Sira** on January 4th, 2012, 1:32 am

Blah! I hear them moving things out downstairs and they don't need my help and so I'm staying out of the way but I don't want to miss when she leaves and it's driving me crazy! And I know tomorrow I'll be perfectly fine and have moved on, because that's how I work. I go crazy and then when it's over, I am calm and happy once more. But right now, I am crazy and I just want to hug her and never let her go until kelsey gets home and then we'll drag her off to the garage and lock her in and never let her leave and we'll feed her and keep her as our pet for the rest of our lives and everything will be happy.

by **Aidara** on January 4th, 2012, 4:11 am

*Shoots Ron with a tranquilizer dart and locks him in the aforementioned basement*

by **Verilian** on January 4th, 2012, 4:26 am

Not the basement! Any basement you find around here would be filled with water!

by **Verilian** on January 12th, 2012, 2:56 pm

Okay, so I didn't get this scrap out as quickly as I expected to. I was originally going to write about plotting and how we should all try to plot together and stuff, and that's great. But that's not what I feel like writing about now. I am just gonna kinda ramble from the heart here.

I am tired of people feeling obligated to post and getting all worked up when they can't. This is not your job! Even the mods and the founders, this is not your job! Mizahar was created by the founders because they wanted a place to come and write and play a game together, free of the things they hated from their past experiences. This site was created for FUN!! It is not your job. Yes, we mods accept certain responsibilities when taking our positions, but the moment you allow modding or responding to threads to become work or a chore, you are forgetting what matters above all else.

You are here to have FUN!!!

If you are on vacation, or sick, or working a lot, or just having some you time, do not feel bad about not posting. Yes, it might annoy some of us who are waiting, but who cares? If you write a post and you aren't enjoying yourself when doing it, then its not going to be a very good post. If your heart is not in it at the moment, then wait. Please do not make Mizahar work, because its not. Mizahar is an escape, a place to express your creativity and enjoy yourself. Don't lose sight of that, and if you don't feel like posting don't force it. Have your fun, be sick, live your life, and when you finally are ready to write the wait will have been worth it. Write because you love it, and only when you love it. Otherwise, what is the point?

by **Oluse** on January 12th, 2012, 3:04 pm

Well said.

by **Gossamer** on January 12th, 2012, 6:19 pm

Truthfully if I hear another person say their 'muse' has run away I'm going to vomit. Spontaneously. I think people use this term as a crutch. Just write. Who cares if its good, bad, or indifferent. Just enjoy writing and get the story told! Its really not hard and we don't need fake non-existant santa clauses to make us happy and term them cute little things like Muses.