Much Ado About Everything
Today has been a relatively easy day. It seems these days I judge the day right around 3pm and decide how it went. Why? Well after that I get a little blissed out from either crafting or napping or vegging out watching TV. It's been in the high 80's here and that make my brain a little tired because I'm a traditional Pacific Northwesterner. We like it cloudy, seventy degrees, with a hint of rain in the morning.
Work has been a disaster lately because my best work bud's yard goat has been broken down (going on three weeks) and hes been hostling in a truck. That's a lot of hard work so we make him do almost nothing (because that's really all that's fair to make him do) and drive circles around him. That left me with lazy old guy with a busted up back, bad shoulder, bad elbow and shittastic attitude who's in the process of quitting smoking That's a winning combo right there, trust me. I've wanted to punch him out so many times in the last three weeks it hasn't been funny. He parks and watches myself and the guy in the actual truck (with no lift!) hostle. Not cool.
Now some of you don't know what Hostling is. That's fine. Its my alter ego super hero hide behind day job. I go in around 3am and get off around noon. I move trailers around a distribution warehouse all day using a modified lift truck called a yard goat. I'm fast. I love my job. I listen to the radio and sing at the top of my lungs all day. I also control traffic in the yard, make sure trailers get loaded, etc. It's busy, hectic, and I enjoy every minute of it....
Except when I don't have enough help, its hot or too cold, and there's other stress in my life. My job is such that I work with an awesome crew now and we have fun. When grumpy wounded old ex-smoking guy isn't wounded and has a cigarette in his mouth hes actually a lot of fun too. So today was easy because grouchy wounded guy was smoking like a chimeny and my other bestest work buddy had his goat back and was at full throttle right there with me.
I didn't crawl home. I am however super hot. Sitting above that goat engine all day on blacktop under the boiling sun is hard. Its not as hard as it was on my old swing shift, so for that I'm grateful. But its cold at night with the clear skies and heat of the day... and my window is broken. Well, the crank handle is broken off. It has been for two weeks. So when I'm rocking and rolling around before daylight at 3am its like 40 degrees and I'm an ice cub. This coupled with the afternoon broil I know that's coming makes me cranky.
But only momentarily. As soon as I get off work at noon, its fine. Life's good again, and I get to relax by a fan and chill out.
Sometimes I don't even yell at Mizahar folks. Naw, instead, today I sent a letter to all the ST's (about four hours ago) and told them that there was no point in keeping Mizahar open if we can't get staff in place and active to help run it. There used to be a point to it. I'm sure there was one in there somewhere.... but I've kinda grown - as you may have noticed - apathetic over the last few months. Why? Well, I used to game with a lot of folks that really cared about each other. They would take everyone's feelings into consideration and keep their word, post for threads, and do their damndest to make sure everyone had fun. It was a universal thing.
There was no takers. There was just a site full of givers and it made Mizahar fantastic. Everyone checked up on each other and bent over backwards to get what they wanted and even better to get you what you wanted. Neat huh? Imagine someone coming to you with thread ideas, some goals, and asking your own needs. Now its more like... "What can you do for me?" Yea. I hear that a lot.
I also thought it was okay to treat Miz like a second job and put 40-60 hrs into it weekly to keep it going unpaid. Man, was I stupid. If I would have known that all those fantastic people would have grown up, got married, graduated college, had kids, and moved on with their lives I would have worked less hard on it. I would have wrote less articles and spent less time in the WD Forum. I would have tried a little harder to get out and see some of my irl friends and not talk about Miz.
I don't like posting these negative scraps, but my frustration level is at an all time high. Out of every single ST I sent that PM too - AS's, DS's, and RS's plus Founders - I got exactly ZERO responses back. One DS, to her credit, sent me a pm but it was in response to a personal PM I sent her before I sent the other one. In the message I talked about the giant pink elephant in the room. Yea... that's it. It's there. And I'm slowly loosing my mind because of it.
Here's the PM.
Activity Levels As A Whole
Sent: Wed Jun 24, 2015 12:45 pm
From: Gossamer
To: Founders Domain Storytellers Assistant Storytellers Regional Storytellers
Greetings Folks.
I started out communicating with you individually and sending out PMs about activity levels and then I realized there was so painfully few of us I might as well send out a mass pm. Here's the reality of the situation. We don't have the staff to keep up with the players. The staff we do have (you folks) are almost painfully inactive to the point where several of you have only posted once or twice in a month or even in the last few months and have ignored your domains. Sometimes this is done while actively playing a PC, but most often it isn't.
No one's volunteering for new staff - no one that doesn't have a poor track record that is. And we aren't having staff finish large projects they swore too. We have too many players for just the HD to handle alone. I don't know if you all realize this but the HD or my pm box is handling all wages, jobs, etc for all the inactive domains and the ST's that aren't around.
It's too much.
Frankly I can't see how we can remain open without everyone helping out. I can't see how we can be a remotely supportive system without people pulling their weight and following through with their obligations.
You are here to storytell and run domains. How many of you are actually doing that? Why not? If you are, how are you managing it? Can you support your fellow staffer a bit and help them get back on track? Can you recruit some staff from great players you know that would make fantastic storytellers? I don't just mean bloat one region because a DS or RS is recruiting like mad... but spread it out over the game so there's not so much action in Syliras with just poor Nightmare trying to cope... and nothing going on in Falyndar with a mod ready and willing to take on some new players?
Things need to change or Mizahar won't survive. It simply can't under the current system. And I'm not sure what to do about it. Frankly, I'm about ready to walk away and never look back like some of my fellow Founders have done years ago. I think I've taken on the lion's share of keeping this game going for long enough. It's time for some help, and not just lipservice. And that help can start with you guys being active or replacing yourselves with people who will be active.
I had to draw a hard line here, but I think its the pink elephant in the room that everyone sees and no one has pointed out. We need staff. We need staff like a dying man needs water in the desert. But we need ACTIVE staff.
Suggestions? Thoughts? Solutions? Be frank. I know I am.
Goss
So I would ask you folks to weigh in as well. But I know I'd get a bunch of 'delegate tasks' talk which has been tried (believe me) and failed utterly in numerous locations by numerous folks. The site is paid up for the year. So too are the domains. Everything comes due again in Feb and March. I honestly think Tarot would be okay if we shut down. I think a lot of people would shrug it off and go find the next greatest thing.
What I really want is someone to rally and say hell no. You aren't shutting down. You aren't letting all this hard work go quietly away. It's funny too. In the last week I've told off a lot of people I considered once upon a time friends here. I've asked them to leave me alone. I've asked them to keep it professional or on a game mechanics level if they need help. And its telling too when not a single one of them refused to do that and not a single one of them locked heels or horns and said that they weren't going to not thread with me, not talk to me, not be my friend.
They all just said variations of 'I understand.' That first one came to me via my pc's bondmate who after I asked him to solve the problem of where he's been for the last two seasons posted a character matchmaking add asking for threads in RF and threw out the potential for a bonding with another PC. I told him how unhappy it made me, and how it was just like a giant fuck you... and he said I understand then signed off. Nice - nothing like talking things through right? Why was it all of those things? Because someone that really cared would have come up with a fabulous story for why they were not on the site, created a plotline out of it, and would have ran with it and made something I could get on board with and write about and have a hellishly fun time. But no... even when I gave him the option of just pretending his absence didn't happen, he didn't want that.
I think my mom's death changed me. My usual lack of filter has become a lack of any sort of give-a-damn for NOT talking about pink elephants. And to heck with a filter, the floodgates are wide open and all the pink elephants are spotted, radio collared, and tracked intensively. I actually want to seek them out, hug them, and spend some quality time with them.
So there was a few more no thank yous this week when thread offers were made or people inquired about things, wanted me to do plots for them, etc. I asked a few more people to just leave me alone. And today, probably one of the best writers I know got the same treatment. When I asked him to leave me alone, that I no longer had any desire to be friends.... I got an 'Understood.'
This goes back to a very very angry post that was posted in my scrap and then deleted. Yea.. some crazy character had the nerve to tell me I was being so damn vague in my scrap that everyone always thought I was talking about them and that they no longer gave a damn about me. I laughed. I really laughed out loud when I read that deleted post. I laughed so hard and laid into that PC so deep in a PM it wasn't even funny. Only it wasn't about the PC, it was about the player.
It's always about the player.
Let me post a copy of that pm. I know you want to know.
Your Post In My Scrap
Sent: Thu Jun 18, 2015 4:11 pm
by Gossamer
Let me start off by pointing out....
If you post something on this site, I can see it, regardless of whether it gets deleted by you or not. For me, its always there. And since you didn't want to hash it out in a public thread, I thought I'd respond here. I first off have to say my bullshit meter is pegged. If you didn't care, you wouldn't read my scrap, and you wouldn't bother to respond. People who are genuinely apathetic don't. So lets cut the crap right there.
Secondly, when that whole thing went down for the F Contributor I really carefully and firmly asked my FRIENDS to not nominate me or appoint me to that position when one of them suggested it. I gave them a whole host of reasons, they agreed sincerely, then did it anyhow. THAT was a betrayal of my trust no matter how you look at it. Thirdly, I doubt you saw half the posts in that thread. I deleted most of them as soon as they were posted while I fumed and decided what to do about my friends disrespecting my wishes so much. The comments were rude, disingenuous, and downright hostile.... and in there a few places were some buried compliments. That doesn't even address the anon issue that went on when Matthew collected comments. But the bottom line is YOU DONT KNOW EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED THERE. It was not at all nice, not at all respectful, and no I'm not blowing it up. The people that did see the comments were horrified including Liminal who can see what was written even though I deleted it.
Now, even after that explanation, you might not understand. Fine. On the outside it did look like a very nice thing to do. I'm sure about 50% of the people involved meant well. But I didn't want it and specifically asked them not to award it to me. It's beyond stupid having INVENTED an award and having someone then give it to you. Narcissism anyone? PLUS they only wanted to give it to me because there was literally no one else. But the people involved have apologized profusely and everyone's moved on. That's what we do as adults.
(Edit: I'm only bringing it up here because he claimed I was vague, non-specific, and whining.)
I'm sorry if that whole thing garnered your apathy. I don't think it actually did or you wouldn't have blown up in my scrapbook like you did. But that's a whole different bag of cats. That situation wasn't about you, it was about me, so its ludicrous to let it remotely effect you in any way shape or form anyhow.
And no it didn't hit me at a bad time. Its never a good time to have your friends lie to your face and do something they swore they were never going to do. Yea.
Now about my current post. You have no idea again whats going on.
I had a player totally and utterly play me this week just to get a rise out of me and possibly stomp me into the ground some more. He was one I had a brief history rping with as Kav and he'd left the game (I had to remove his ST for inactivity) suddenly on all this alts but one. I should have looked closer because he played and played his alt until basically another PC took his alt's love interest and left with her to another town (edit- my interpenetration of what happened?). It was at that point he came to me, said he was sorry for leaving so suddenly, dropping threads, etc and that I was the most fantastic person he'd ever rp'd with. Could we make plans? Could we rp? I said yes because honestly he left my pc in a pllot pickle because of what happened between them in threads and I didn't want that unresolved. Almost every day he wanted to 'talk threads' and kept me on AIM for hours but would never stop talking about irl himself, his situation, is life etc.. over and over again long enough to plot on his PC. I was ready to post... ready to jump in.
When I would get restless and stop listening to his non-related chatter, he'd start talking plotting enough just to keep me hanging on. I honestly thought he needed someone to listen too. But the situation was such that I could only offer numerous suggestions on how he explained his pcs absence and couldn't actually rp that for him or decide. Why? Kav had threads that established where she was for those two full seasons, what she was doing, etc.. and he wasn't in them. He listened to suggestion after suggestion, discarded them, then finally just kept saying.... "I'll have to think on it." Fine... all well and good right?
It was all a big game to him. (Edit: Again, this is how I see it. Dunno how he sees it).
Because he posted a thread asking for people to post with him.... that he was starting all over again based on how he worded the post. He ignored all the suggestions, all the plotting, and pretty much did a huge Fuck You to me over the whole thing because I wouldn't tell him another story. That's all he wanted. Instead I asked him to tell us the story of why he was gone and he basically refused. In a nutshell it was just a game to him to see how long he could fuck around and keep me hoping he'd pull something nice out of his hat. The admiration, the wanting to thread with me, the whole 'lets work it out' was a big fat lie. And it hurts like hell. When I woke up this morning and saw that thread (edit: the add for the character matchmaking) I got so upset at myself I confronted him and he said nothing, did nothing, just kinda laughed it off and then got condescending. Fine.
I don't trust people. I even once thought we were going to be friends... but the moment I started questioning you plotting all over the place with (Edited names out - his pc) you got mad at me. Why? Maybe not reacting so fast (I was waiting for you to level out and make a firm decision) or maybe it was for calling you out on lores you couldn't know or things you were saying that your pc couldn't find out.... I'm not exactly sure. To me waiting a year to get (edited out the name of a special skill) is nothing. IT's utterly doable but you seemed to be like... I want it right now my way right away. Maybe I'm wrong about that, but its how you came off and how the others who could see your tickets read them as well.
Yes I was short on time, energy, etc because of my family situation and watching my mom spiral down I literally couldn't post. I had a sick horse, a sick parent, and a shitstorm on my plate irl to deal with that all but shut down my Miz activities. But I kept everyone updated on it... why I wasn't here for those few months, or just here as a shell. No one was really willing to wait me out or at least wait out my life to be freed up. Yourself included. But, that doesn't mean I wasn't trying to make you happy and give you what you wanted. I was. I could tell there were patience issues and you weren't' happy with me. But I tried. I honestly did.
You see... in my perspective here, especially recently, people seemingly only really like you if you are doing something for them. if you want something done in a thread with your PC, you basically have to solo it because odds are people aren't going to want to do for you ie.. scratch your back. They just want you to do for them... ie... scratch their back.
Another player today asked me this....
"I've recently started to notice that sometimes person A comes to person B wanting a thread to get something for their character, but don't really try to cater to person B's needs. Instead, person B just does a lot of responding and listening while Person A does a lot of storytelling. Those threads end up being really hard to write because it drains Person A. Do you ever get that feeling on any of your characters?"
My response was simple.
"Always. It's never any other way."
Yea.... so that's it in a nutshell. The character that gushed about Kav and our threads (which we did have cool plots - plots that I now have to explain away IC or delete) only did so because he wanted me to tell a story to him and didn't want to work on it. I wanted it both ways. I wanted a give and take. When I made that clear he threw it in my face and moved on to someone who would do that for him - hence the add. Which is sad... because now that things in my life have settled down, I finally finally finally have time to devote to some hardcore plot devices, character development, etc. I would have wrote the hell out of it with him. But no.... he didn't want that. He just wanted to string me along and see how long I'd eat out of his hand and cater to his needs without asking for some of mine to be fulfilled. The minute I did (hey, YOU decide the plot because mine's set in stone since those seasons are already gone) he bailed.
I'm still pissed, but not really at him. I'm mad as hell at myself. People are users. And they tend to be awful unless you are giving them exactly what they need and it comes with no effort on their part.
So.... you an be an indifferent unfeeling apathetic person or whatever.... that's your choice. But understand you aren't walking around in my shoes. You aren't getting played. You aren't having people take take take take take take take from you. Hell, I can't even get my PC a second gnosis in her primary religion because I've had six mods drop a gnosis thread started that each and every one promised to do out of .... whatever reason they promised to do it. She should be a priest of Nysel by now or even on her way to champion. That will NEVER happen though because people won't follow through, even slowly, even a little. And sure people have offered to pick it up. They really have.. good writers too... but how can I say YES when on the other hand they are complaining or saying how they need help in their regions, are overworked, etc. I just cant in good consciousness add to their burden.
Am I mad as hell about it? Naw. Just disgusted and resigned and defeated.
Jen
After that there was a series of PMs and we worked out a whole lot of shit. Those previous posts in my scrap were about the detailed situations above listed in the PM. And I meant what I said about takers. People take all the time. This game is a glaring example of it. If people were truly givers, the whole of the game would be overstaffed, moderated threads would be plentiful, and the skies always blue.
So you tell me? Tell me why we should keep it all going? Yea I got burned a couple of times by my pc's thread partners. That's usually not enough to set me off. But No one that supposed to be my friend is willing to fight for a friendship with me? That's a whole different story. That's a more true to core more telling story. That's the situation that sums up Mizahar's plight.
And you can sit there and say its because I'm a worthless piece of shit and not worth the effort to be friends, but I refuse to believe that. I've bent over backwards for people here. I've listened for hours to their irl and online drama. I've offered advice. I've hand-held. I've just given enough. I gave enough to my mom and realized too late that it wasn't for shit. She didn't love me. She loved what I did for her.
And now I'm terrified and its self fulfilling that the same is true of Mizahar. I'm no one special and not the sort that needs to be special. But you'd think that one person would give a shit and fight for a friendship. One person would call my BS and say no, no they aren't going to let me crawl under a rock, write solos for the rest of my life, and never care again.
But not one single one did, not really, except a fellow Founder who's known me long enough to see through all my BS and reach out even if it was on crappy facebook. IF we hadn't been friends since 06, almost ten years, then maybe it would have rolled different. Of course, maybe he just wanted the killer ornament I made for him. I'm not sure. I'm going to fall on the side of 'cares' verses 'not cares' on that one.
And sure... maybe I'm a douche for telling you all to go take a flying leap. But it was a long time in coming and you all did what I expected you'd do anyhow. You all rolled over.
I hope your proud of yourselves. You aint worthy of my friendship if that's how you roll... and I firmly believe that. Now I just have to decide if Miz is worth my time and effort anymore either.
I know this scrap is probably the pinnacle of my fuck-you's here on Miz. But it really needed to be stated.
